Last fall I met a PJ hopeful and we have been seeing each other almost everyday since. I have never met anyone like him. He trains religiously for Indoc but has not yet signed anything because he is waiting for his eyes to be cleared (he had PRK last summer).

I believe that he is very mentally and physically capable of making it through indoc and the pipeline. However, he needs several waivers (including the fact that it hasn't been 12 months since he had surgery on his eyes and although he has prior service, he is 32 years old). All of the unknowns have weighed heavily on him - and therefore on our relationship.

I have been unwaiveringly supportive. In all honesty I have no preference as to what decision he makes, only that he has no regrets. The decision is his and his alone. There is nothing I want more than his happiness. I am a firm believer in the fact that whatever is meant to be will be - I also know that if you WANT something, you have to go after it. I believe that what we are together is something that most people never find and is therefore worth the discomfort that the pipeline and the career itself would cause.

I also believe that you CAN have it all. The only things that stands in the way of what a person wants is themself - self-sabbotage. Too many people say what they want but their actions are contrary to what they say. (SIE is a perfect example.)

My dilemma is that every so often he seems to be on an emotional rollercoaster (we are not in a good place right now). One day things can be incredible and the next he shuts down completely and tries to push me away. Knowing that he is probably in the middle of one of the most difficult decisions in his life I have cut him an unbelieveable amount of slack. I also know that if he does join the PJ's and we do stay together (which I would want) that he would ALWAYS need to be cut some slack. I don't have a problem with that - the thought of being there to watch him fulfill a dream is wonderful.

My concern is that the rollercoaster will eventually wear away my trust and belief in him - and ANY relationship is doomed without that. Is this normal? And if so, is there any advice anyone could give me as to how to balance my support of him and being honest about my own needs?

Supportive -- I have the same problem. The most incredible man I've ever met is going to Indoc in March, and I want nothing other than for him to excel and to be happy, no matter what happens. If he makes CRO our life together will never be the way it was when we raced triathlons, I took off work early when he visited me (we live 1800 miles apart) and we camped in the wilderness on vacation. I understand his dedication and need to train and focus and not talk to me for weeks at a time if needed, but it doesn't seem that he knows that I know this and am OK with it. For Pete's sake, I went through medical school and residency, and while it's not the same as Pipeline training, it wasn't a cakewalk, either. I do know the guy I was with at that time had a hard time dealing with MY career choice. I didn't even think it was all that hard, it just took a lot of time and energy and sleep deprivation...halfway through my training, we broke up and I moved out, and I still managed to become a good doctor. I am the most "low-maintance" woman I know and I am quite secure with my job, my life and myself. If anyone can be secure having a boyfriend who's hardly ever around, it's me. But my guy has also said that he doesn't think it's fair to ask me to just "wait" for him over a year. I don't know what else he thinks I need to go do...it's hard, especially if you've only been together for a short time, because maybe you're still figuring each other out, and you feel like you have to have the rest of your entire life committed and planned out...but that's basically what these guys do when they go into the pipeline. They volunteer to train hard all day everyday and put their lives on the line so that others will come back home...then they get stationed all over the place and will be called off without notice and may never come back. They're committing their whole life to this. I'm sure they wonder if they can be fair to a significant other. You deal with life as it comes. If you truly love him and want the best for him, I think the best you can do is let him know you're there and you will accept whatever decision he makes. You do need to be flexible and it sounds like you are...but, you can't make his decision for him. You also have to decide what you are willing to do. Then you wait and see what happens. I've talked to one of the guys on the forum who is a retired CCT living near me with a wife and kids...but everyone is different. I kind of liken this to a med student going into their first surgical rotation...excited, scared, knowing it's going to be hard and they're going get screamed at and work themselves into the ground and people's lives are on the line...it's no small task. Once they get into it, they realize that all that preparation was what got them through, but now that they know how to deal with their job, they actually can be a little more normal. Send me an e-mail. smooshyricky@hotmail.com

I'm sticking my neck out here a bit, but this is an extremely significant subject as far as I can see. I've been a cone for over a year, now. I came from another branch of service with ten years behind me and I am married. I believe the emotional rollercoster is 1) typical of many of the men who attempt Pararescue and 2) inevitably part of any candidates experience. You both are in the lives of men who dream big. therefore the prospect of failure is also great, wheather from reaching the end of themselves and not getting past that, or external circumstances such as injury. Either way, not succeding will be taken personally on their part. Secondly, as TE mentioned in another post, the Air Force works in mysterious ways. Just getting in can pose a challenge. But constantly facing the unknown and never quite understanding the situation is a daily occurance as a PJ Trainee. Accepting that and performing well, regardless of emotional, mental and physical state is the consistency in a cone's life. Focusing 100% on that, and having a wife at home has, in a sense, put my life in her hands. Trust is key for both of us. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Thats a far as my experience goes so that is all that I can share...

The input from both of you is both relieving and enlightening - thank you.

Like BBKF said, it does seem more difficult since we have not been together all that long. Fortunately (I think anyway!), I have never walked away from a challenge and don't plan to start now. It is a fine line between supporting someone who doesn't make that easy and maintaining my pride sometimes. What we have when we are together is worth a thousand days apart and I know both the journey and the destination are well worth it.

Adhoc, you are by no means sticking your neck out in my eyes. It's great to get a man's perspective and I appreciate the positive view point from both of you.

I have shown him and told him that I will be here for him no matter what, but I am sure it's hard for him to know and believe in that fact, just the same as I don't always know where his thoughts are. I can only hope that he knows that I am capable of being his stability and continue to show him that.

Is it possible, if the rollercoaster is typical of the kind of person interested in this job, that because he doesn't have the challenge and excitement in his job now that he is creating it in his personal life instead? Or could he subconsciously be testing my loyalty and the strength of our relationship?

Supportive, I sent you back an e-mail. My "cone" has been in the Air Force for 11 years, but I'm relatively new to all this...I think that might make it a little harder.

Adhoc, thanks. Yeah, he does dream big...that's part of what makes him so awesome! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> And thanks to all you guys for everything that you do and sacrifice...people notice.

I agree completely BBKF. The traits that sometimes make things difficult (unwavering determination and commitment, focus, etc.) are also the traits that attracted me to him in the first place. I can only hope that these traits extend into his personal life.

Maybe I'm the only one seeing this, but doesn't indoc exist to prepare a man & test his mettle for an exceedingly stressful job (at least more stressful than indoc)? If your man is going to let the stress from this adversely affect your relationship now, what's it going to be like in the future?

I consider everyone in this position fortunate though - at least you have an idea of what to expect in the future. The real question is, how long are you willing to ride the roller coaster?

RD

Guru, don't think that I haven't thought those same things. Real life never goes away, and I agree that the stresses will always be there...nobody works in a vacuum. But people in all walks of life deal with this dilemma all the time, and lots of relationships are strained when the prospect of the other person picking up and moving is involved. Here, it's even different because there's so much uncertainty about even getting through Indoc...then what happens? Everybody moves back? For me, it should be wait and see...if I quit my job, moved, and tried to set up a new practice, then he washed out...that would just be nonsense. So, I see where he wouldn't ask me to just move right now and I can see that he would think it's not fair to keep me in limbo. Even if we were married, it would be silly for me to change jobs and my location before we knew if he'd made it through the first 10 weeks. I don't think it's about him getting through Indoc...he can deal with stress placed on him...I really think he's trying to be fair to me and this stable life that I have. And my situation is unique because if I leave, I affect a lot of other people...I would essentially abandon my patients. I mean, I have to make as big a decision as he does if we stay together and he's stationed somewhere far away...lots of uncertainty. Eventually it will work itself out and we'll both be fine in the end no matter what happens. I realize not everyone would choose the same path, but that's what makes life interesting. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Guru - I think you hit the nail on the head. My concern is exactly that, is this just one of the MORE stressful times or is this the norm? I personally would get bored with life if there weren't hurdles to overcome. With that being said, I also need to know that no matter how big the hurdles are, we are going to overcome them together. One's personal relationships are just as important as one's professional relationships. I would think that knowing there is a solid force standing behind you would make a PJ BETTER at their job and allow them to focus more since someone is there to handle things on the home front. As was said in a previous post, someone to make proud, fight to protect - and go home to.

I am very aware of what would be required of me mentally, emotionally and in terms of where I would call home. I have never wondered if I could do it or not, I know that I can. In fact, the thought is actually quite exciting. I cherish the thought of watching him become a PJ - or whatever else he might want to do in the future. I WOULD have second thoughts if he DIDN'T have that drive. I would willingly sacrafice the white picket fence (which I never wanted anyway!) for the life I would have with him as a PJ. If he is a PJ for 15 years, or whatever it would be, the fact of the matter is that there is still a long life ahead of us all after retirement. 15 years of PJ life, 50 years after that (maybe more, maybe less). And God forbid something happen in the meantime, at least we have the time together now. Life is too precious to not go for it all.

I just punched out of the service 2 years ago to better accomodate my marriage and to start what I think to be a better opportunity. Its really easy to get caught up in all the obvious downfalls, as it relates to relationships, in this career field. The time away, spent doing related duties, balancing a life with the wife and the invisible mistress at the same time- you really lead yourself to believe you are way above and beyond with stress(ors) than the average Joe. Fact of the matter is, ones stress is directly affected by their general preception in any capacity/setting in life. Your overall outlook or formula for managing your life is what dictates your success or downfalls, IMHO. Relationships are much like the human body in that you would be amazed at what they can endure- if they were sound to begin with. I do my best to take days one at a time- my mind races like a banshee with all the ideas and dreams I have. If I may, let me quote the great master Yoda "Always his mind thinking of then, anticipating the future, never on right now, or what he is doing..." something like that. Yeah, as a PJ wife a lot is expected. And, may I add, in a lot of ways you dont even know about yet. NONE of which should concern you or him right now. One at a time- if he is there now, he needs to be thinking about getting that lunch down and coaching himself that the water con session this afternoon is very much going to get a kick in the *** from him. Not about the what ifs, hows, and considerations of when you will meet up with him again, how the marrige or whatever will work out while stationed at Moody. I am not accusing you of anything, this is just allowing me to reminice my life a little- because I still have my wife (barely she says). Hey, just loosen up on the **** a little- wearing a beret and jumping on that plane to the box is a long, long way away for him. I am really trying not to be condecsending or call out anyone here. The BS and hard times are everywhere- I have twins now, and man, thats a mfer at times. I just keep telling myself "one butt at a time." I am so sick of changing diapers though....

If you have to coddle your PJ wannabee boyfriend now because he's all angst-ridden about PJ school, I don't think you have to worry to much about being a PJ wife/girlfriend. Angst-ridden guys are not the norm in the career field (thank God).

Not meaning to sound harsh-just my impression of a cadre reply.

What wonderful advice Marty, it's so helpful.

You have it all wrong. I wouldn't stand for a guy that needed to be coddled - that statement is an insult to him and to me. He is so focused and determined that he probably thinks of very little but becoming a PJ.

The stumbling block - as far as I can see - is the fact that he underestimates ME and my strength and determination. I said previously that I have never met anyone else like him and that if he didn't have the qualities that WILL make him a good PJ, I wouldn't give him the time of day. On the other hand, and what I think often gets overlooked in the world in general, is the fact that there are some strong women out there too.

I do my best to be helpful!

If you wish to be insulted by those very innocent remarks-be my guest.

So the point of your post was that you're a strong woman? Then good on you!

You wrote "My dilemma is that every so often he seems to be on an emotional rollercoaster (we are not in a good place right now). One day things can be incredible and the next he shuts down completely and tries to push me away"

I was simply pointing out that if your boyfriend's on some emotional roller-coaster about going into pararescue than it would be my professional opinion that he won't last till the end of the ride.

Either he will or he won't, if he does Hoo-Yah to him and to you too.

It was the coddling part that bothered me. The rollercoaster has nothing to do with whether he wants to be a PJ or not, that has never been in question. The point of my post is that the rollercoaster is on the personal side and perhaps he thinks if he pushes me away now he won't run the risk that I would walk away at a time when he doesn't need a distraction.

Okay-then I would say that a lot of guys make it through with all kinds of distractions. The whole course is one big distraction after another. Whether he has a girlfriend or not will not being the telling factor in his success. He should lighten up and be nicer to you.

How's that?

Good boy Marty! I couldn't have asked for more - except that I hope it was sincere!

I can only imagine how difficult it is for you guys - and that's part of what would make me so proud to be by his side.

I was (as I always am) totally sincere. Going through Indoc is no reason to treat your significant other poorly.

He's out of retirement and wreaking havoc on every forum!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Nice cadre impression... Thanks for the honesty...now, what if the girlfriend actually said something like that...nod your head and think "high maintanence..." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I will not say anything else about that...

It is all about balance, young Jedi. And remember, "There is no try, only do!" For those of us that quote Yoda while changing dirty diapers...

Did someone just accuse me of sounding like a girl!

Talk about insulted!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif"> If you wish to be insulted by those very innocent remarks-be my guest</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />